I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
