Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
