Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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