forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
