Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
