Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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