to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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