I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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