i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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