Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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