Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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