Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
