Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
