fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
