I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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