My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
