Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
you had me at cake vodka
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
