FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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