We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
