hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
