This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
