when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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