I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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