booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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