I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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