There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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