I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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