no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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