I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
