i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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