he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
