I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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