Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Even the bartender felt bad for me
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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