enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
