just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
