I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
