I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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