So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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