I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
