i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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