First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We left the knife in your bed.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
