So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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