You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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