she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
FUCK WHALES
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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