The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
