Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
