My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
