Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
