Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
