then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
