if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
